Granddaughter called. She wanted to tell me that they went to a college baseball game. The home team lost, but each child got an autographed ball, and they got to run the bases. A group from the shelter went, AND their mom!
This is her third day at the shelter and she seems to be adjusting well. It was about 8pm and there was a lot of noise in the background, because it was snack time for all the kids. She said one brother was cleaning up because they get points for cleaning and they can purchase things with their points. Learning responsibility YAY!
Her mom was right there, so I didn't ask any of the questions that were burning my tongue.
I'll ask my daughter when I talk to her.
I am prayerful that this will be a life changing experience. I know it will take a while but I will always be there for them.
Judy
Sunday, April 26, 2009
This little light of mine.
I think I should rename my blog to This little light of mine. Remember that song?
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
God is so good, I just can't contain myself. Even in my darkest times God makes a way.
The other day, I was telling you that my checking account was low to say the least. I could see no way out. I had spent so much on the children that was not in my budget. But it was in God's budget.
I have to remind you of my Selfish nature, and how me and God are working on that. Everytime I whipped out my debit card, I would cringe, but my prayer would be thanking God for the ability to even pay for things.
Let me preface this by saying, I have not spoken to my ex in at least a year. He has since remarried, and I don't bother him. I send Christmas cards - should send Fathers day because he was a wonderful father. An answer to my mothers prayers. He was a little "too stable" for me, I wanted a bad boy.
Well, I called my ex, about "his daughter" - you know how that is, when she is tripping, she's his daughter. I know that she calls her dad, and I wanted him to know what was going on.
I told him about her taking the kids from my house to a homeless shelter, about the drinking, neglect, and just poor decision making. I told him about the kids, how their clothes didn't fit, and the 3 boys had no underwear, and that I had just bought them some clothes. I didn't tell him how much, or complain about it. I have been buying for these kids for years.
Maybe he can talk some sense into her. She loves her daddy.
About an hour after we hung up, he sent me a text message saying that he had deposited money in my account (he has had my account number for years).
I was driving when I got the text. I had to pull over right then and thanked the Lord. He deposited exactly what I had spent! No more - No less.
I have been made whole.
Dear God, its me Judy, again.
THANK YOU! For some crazy reason, I am always surprised when You come through. I know in my heart that You will take care of me. You said it and You always do. But I worry needlessly anyway. One of these days, I will be able to just put it in Your hands and go on about my business. Thats why I am glad you compelled me to create this blog. So I can write it down, and then see You in action. Now others will do the same. This blog is This little light of mine. Thank You for touching my ex's heart. I know that he is saved and You speak to him as well. Thank You for looking past my selfishness, and proving again that if I take one step You will take two. Thank You for covering the children, their mother and me, I pray for Your continued protection.
I need You again. You gave me this business and I need your blessing. I need to sell at least 32 seats on this bus for the Chicago trip. You also know the problems with the Depot account. Lord, help me solve the problems and make that right. You have shown me that the problems were there before you even gave me the account. You have shown me that You gave me the account. You made that account extremely successful. I know You will not fail me. Just continue to give me the guidance to make it right. I need insurance for my little bus. Lord direct me to the right insurance agent. After speaking with KT yesterday, I sensed You speaking through her, Lord please make it clear, do You want me to bring her onboard to manage that division?
Everyday, as I grow closer to You, my steps are tentative. As the song says:
Order my steps in your word dear lord
Lead me, guide me everyday
Send your annointing father I pray
Order my steps in your word please order my steps in your word
Humbly I asked thee teach me your will
While you are working help me be still
Satan is busy God is real Order my steps in your word
Please order my steps in your word
Thank You for being an Awesome God, a loving Father, and a wonderful Friend. In your precious Son's Jesus Christ Name.
Amen.
Update on daughter and kids. They stopped by to pick up more stuff yesterday. I wasn't here but Papa was. Apparently her new boyfriend is also with them in the homeless shelter.
God loosened his tongue, because Papa said he just started talking. He said his mother is an Evangelist and she works with community social agencies and referred them to the shelter. He says its really nice even with a playground. He and my daughter have to attend classes (hopefully parenting and substance abuse) and they will help them get a home.
I have put this in God's hand, and I will be still. My heart feels a little better. Lord knows I have a lot of other things to do. So I will focus on that until God tells me to move.
To you I say, if you do not believe in God, just keep coming back. If you are reading this, He sent you to read it. Think about where you are in your life and where you want to be. God gave me my daughter, my grandchildren, Papa, a business, a home and a story. I hope by sharing my story, it will touch your heart and give you encouragement to keep on keeping on.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
Judy
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
God is so good, I just can't contain myself. Even in my darkest times God makes a way.
The other day, I was telling you that my checking account was low to say the least. I could see no way out. I had spent so much on the children that was not in my budget. But it was in God's budget.
I have to remind you of my Selfish nature, and how me and God are working on that. Everytime I whipped out my debit card, I would cringe, but my prayer would be thanking God for the ability to even pay for things.
Let me preface this by saying, I have not spoken to my ex in at least a year. He has since remarried, and I don't bother him. I send Christmas cards - should send Fathers day because he was a wonderful father. An answer to my mothers prayers. He was a little "too stable" for me, I wanted a bad boy.
Well, I called my ex, about "his daughter" - you know how that is, when she is tripping, she's his daughter. I know that she calls her dad, and I wanted him to know what was going on.
I told him about her taking the kids from my house to a homeless shelter, about the drinking, neglect, and just poor decision making. I told him about the kids, how their clothes didn't fit, and the 3 boys had no underwear, and that I had just bought them some clothes. I didn't tell him how much, or complain about it. I have been buying for these kids for years.
Maybe he can talk some sense into her. She loves her daddy.
About an hour after we hung up, he sent me a text message saying that he had deposited money in my account (he has had my account number for years).
I was driving when I got the text. I had to pull over right then and thanked the Lord. He deposited exactly what I had spent! No more - No less.
I have been made whole.
Dear God, its me Judy, again.
THANK YOU! For some crazy reason, I am always surprised when You come through. I know in my heart that You will take care of me. You said it and You always do. But I worry needlessly anyway. One of these days, I will be able to just put it in Your hands and go on about my business. Thats why I am glad you compelled me to create this blog. So I can write it down, and then see You in action. Now others will do the same. This blog is This little light of mine. Thank You for touching my ex's heart. I know that he is saved and You speak to him as well. Thank You for looking past my selfishness, and proving again that if I take one step You will take two. Thank You for covering the children, their mother and me, I pray for Your continued protection.
I need You again. You gave me this business and I need your blessing. I need to sell at least 32 seats on this bus for the Chicago trip. You also know the problems with the Depot account. Lord, help me solve the problems and make that right. You have shown me that the problems were there before you even gave me the account. You have shown me that You gave me the account. You made that account extremely successful. I know You will not fail me. Just continue to give me the guidance to make it right. I need insurance for my little bus. Lord direct me to the right insurance agent. After speaking with KT yesterday, I sensed You speaking through her, Lord please make it clear, do You want me to bring her onboard to manage that division?
Everyday, as I grow closer to You, my steps are tentative. As the song says:
Order my steps in your word dear lord
Lead me, guide me everyday
Send your annointing father I pray
Order my steps in your word please order my steps in your word
Humbly I asked thee teach me your will
While you are working help me be still
Satan is busy God is real Order my steps in your word
Please order my steps in your word
Thank You for being an Awesome God, a loving Father, and a wonderful Friend. In your precious Son's Jesus Christ Name.
Amen.
Update on daughter and kids. They stopped by to pick up more stuff yesterday. I wasn't here but Papa was. Apparently her new boyfriend is also with them in the homeless shelter.
God loosened his tongue, because Papa said he just started talking. He said his mother is an Evangelist and she works with community social agencies and referred them to the shelter. He says its really nice even with a playground. He and my daughter have to attend classes (hopefully parenting and substance abuse) and they will help them get a home.
I have put this in God's hand, and I will be still. My heart feels a little better. Lord knows I have a lot of other things to do. So I will focus on that until God tells me to move.
To you I say, if you do not believe in God, just keep coming back. If you are reading this, He sent you to read it. Think about where you are in your life and where you want to be. God gave me my daughter, my grandchildren, Papa, a business, a home and a story. I hope by sharing my story, it will touch your heart and give you encouragement to keep on keeping on.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
Judy
Friday, April 24, 2009
Homeless shelters are for people who don't have homes - My grandchildren have a home
So why are they there?????
In case you are just tuning in, I have a daughter, who has 4 kids. 1 girl 10, 3 boys 9, 7 & 5. She has been a true disappointment as a daughter, drinking, drugs, abusive relationships. As well as a poor mother neglectful, emotionally abusive, does not provide a stable home or environment.
She came to me a few months ago (with a black eye) and said she was overwhelmed and had no place to go. I said come here, you and the children.
God worked out the arrangements, and soon everybody had a bed, and was settling down in a structured, safe, familial, loving environment.
Things must have been too boring for my daughter, because she began, leaving at night, and getting back just in time to wake the kids for school. While she was there I discovered that she is an alcoholic at the least - I believe she is on some type of drugs, I just don't know what. I also believe she is depressed.
On Easter Sunday, we discussed her giving me legal guardianship, so that I may do whats in the best interest of the children. I did not see her for 8 days. Then she popped in at 11pm on Wednesday - a school night to tell the kids she is going to buy them a bike. I started not to let her in, but they hadn't seen or heard from their mother in 8 days. I wanted them to see that she was at least alive.
My daughter picked the kids up from school yesterday(without notice), told the babysitter (that I am paying) that she had some moves to make. I called and texted to find out what was going on. She only texted back and said,"keeping the kids with me 2nite, call u later"
This morning she was knocking on my door at 8am - let me preface this by saying, when she was staying with me, she was never up, dressed and arriving somewhere at 8am.
She came to get some clothes. I asked "What is going on?" She said...
"Me and the kids are staying at a homeless shelter"
WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!
I immediately felt chest pains - I could see old Fred Sanford, clutching his chest, "I'm come Elizabeth!"
She calmly but succinctly told me that if she takes them to a homeless shelter, they will help her get a place of her own.
Never mind, that these children have a home. It made perfect sense to her to snatch them out of what they know as home and move them to a homeless shelter - so that they will give her an apartment.
God is working with me, He enabled me to sit quietly, while she grabbed things to take with her. Maybe he provided the chest pain, because I can truly say, Something bad was about to happen, and there was going to be somebody hurt, somebody arrested, and the children going to Children Services.
He whispered, to me, "They will be back. I got this. You just keep those beds ready." I didn't want to hear His whispers this was crazy. So I walked back to the bedroom she was in to ask more questions. When I observed my granddaughter snatching something out of her hand and speaking very disrespectfully to her.
Then God started speaking louder - "GO SIT DOWN! NOW! SIT AND BE QUIET."
Then she went upstairs and I heard my oldest grandson 9 years old talking to her like she was somebody out on the street.
God said "Listen" To my thundering emotions he said "Peace, Be Still"
He placed a song in my head to distract me. "Nobody but Jesus" by Kelly Price I sat there on my bed, with the door cracked, until they left.
I reached out to my sister, who calmed me down, AFTER I calmed her down.
Dear God, its me Judy, again. Lord, I always try to start my prayers, with thanks, but right now I need You to cover those grandchildren. Place Angels around them. Please let no harm come to them. If it was You, who compelled her to take them to a homeless shelter, then Your will be done. Lord if it was not You, please, I beg you to let no harm come to her or the children. I will do as You have me to. Waiting and preparing the "oil lamps". I thank you for giving me the 8 days with them, to provide a little peace in their lives. I thank you for letting them feel free to laugh, learn, and be loved. I thank You have done and what You plan to do. I thank You for speaking to my heart, keeping my mouth shut and my hands to myself. I can be abusive as well and I really wanted to hurt her this morning. You replaced that anger and rage with a song, and the children did not have to see more chaos. These things I ask in Your Precious Son's Jesus Christs Name, Amen
In case you are just tuning in, I have a daughter, who has 4 kids. 1 girl 10, 3 boys 9, 7 & 5. She has been a true disappointment as a daughter, drinking, drugs, abusive relationships. As well as a poor mother neglectful, emotionally abusive, does not provide a stable home or environment.
She came to me a few months ago (with a black eye) and said she was overwhelmed and had no place to go. I said come here, you and the children.
God worked out the arrangements, and soon everybody had a bed, and was settling down in a structured, safe, familial, loving environment.
Things must have been too boring for my daughter, because she began, leaving at night, and getting back just in time to wake the kids for school. While she was there I discovered that she is an alcoholic at the least - I believe she is on some type of drugs, I just don't know what. I also believe she is depressed.
On Easter Sunday, we discussed her giving me legal guardianship, so that I may do whats in the best interest of the children. I did not see her for 8 days. Then she popped in at 11pm on Wednesday - a school night to tell the kids she is going to buy them a bike. I started not to let her in, but they hadn't seen or heard from their mother in 8 days. I wanted them to see that she was at least alive.
My daughter picked the kids up from school yesterday(without notice), told the babysitter (that I am paying) that she had some moves to make. I called and texted to find out what was going on. She only texted back and said,"keeping the kids with me 2nite, call u later"
This morning she was knocking on my door at 8am - let me preface this by saying, when she was staying with me, she was never up, dressed and arriving somewhere at 8am.
She came to get some clothes. I asked "What is going on?" She said...
"Me and the kids are staying at a homeless shelter"
WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!
I immediately felt chest pains - I could see old Fred Sanford, clutching his chest, "I'm come Elizabeth!"
She calmly but succinctly told me that if she takes them to a homeless shelter, they will help her get a place of her own.
Never mind, that these children have a home. It made perfect sense to her to snatch them out of what they know as home and move them to a homeless shelter - so that they will give her an apartment.
God is working with me, He enabled me to sit quietly, while she grabbed things to take with her. Maybe he provided the chest pain, because I can truly say, Something bad was about to happen, and there was going to be somebody hurt, somebody arrested, and the children going to Children Services.
He whispered, to me, "They will be back. I got this. You just keep those beds ready." I didn't want to hear His whispers this was crazy. So I walked back to the bedroom she was in to ask more questions. When I observed my granddaughter snatching something out of her hand and speaking very disrespectfully to her.
Then God started speaking louder - "GO SIT DOWN! NOW! SIT AND BE QUIET."
Then she went upstairs and I heard my oldest grandson 9 years old talking to her like she was somebody out on the street.
God said "Listen" To my thundering emotions he said "Peace, Be Still"
He placed a song in my head to distract me. "Nobody but Jesus" by Kelly Price I sat there on my bed, with the door cracked, until they left.
I reached out to my sister, who calmed me down, AFTER I calmed her down.
Dear God, its me Judy, again. Lord, I always try to start my prayers, with thanks, but right now I need You to cover those grandchildren. Place Angels around them. Please let no harm come to them. If it was You, who compelled her to take them to a homeless shelter, then Your will be done. Lord if it was not You, please, I beg you to let no harm come to her or the children. I will do as You have me to. Waiting and preparing the "oil lamps". I thank you for giving me the 8 days with them, to provide a little peace in their lives. I thank you for letting them feel free to laugh, learn, and be loved. I thank You have done and what You plan to do. I thank You for speaking to my heart, keeping my mouth shut and my hands to myself. I can be abusive as well and I really wanted to hurt her this morning. You replaced that anger and rage with a song, and the children did not have to see more chaos. These things I ask in Your Precious Son's Jesus Christs Name, Amen
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOUR MOMMA FOOL!
"Why yo mama so old?" "Hi Baby, hows your grandmother?" These are the questions that just totally got on my nerves by the time I was 7 years old.
In the 1960's my earliest memories are of me and my dad, playing soldier, marching around our house, "Hup two-three-four" and trips with my mom to the hair dresser, Mrs Clara on E. Long Street.
I had older 3 sisters, Peaches, who lived in Cleveland, Ella, who stayed with us off an on, and Betty Ann, she lived on the same side of town.
My parents never owned a car, we either took the bus or called Yellow cab. They owned their home, had a garden, had Christmas dinners. We had a china cabinet filled with white china trimmed with blue flowers. My dad worked at the steel mill and my mom stayed home.
My mom took me to church and my dad stayed home. My sisters visited frequently, my favorite was Betty Ann, because she was pretty, and she paid me the most attention. She loved to party, alway had on short skirts, high heels and red lipstick. Peaches was mean and Ella was a drunk.
Funny, none of them referred to Mom as Mom, they all called her by her first name. That was normal to me, I thought I would too when I grew up.
Anyway, all my life I was plagued with the questions. My childhood friends would ask why is your mama so old? I gave the usual response "She had me late, I'm the baby, why is your mama so ugly? Or the ladies at church would ask "Baby where is your grandmother?" My response, "She is my mother and she's downstairs" I was immediately warned about sassing grown folk.
Well one day, when I was 10 years old I was visiting my aunt who I knew as Aunt Baby Sister. She was the meanest of them all. She had "The Sugar" and which took her sight and both legs. My Cousin and I were laying on the floor coloring, and Aunt Baby Sister was sitting there in her wheelchair. My cousin said, "I wish we were sisters and your mom was my mom". She was living with our aunt and uncle because her mom (a different Betty than my sister) had died. I said, "Me too, but I hate it when people call her my grandmother, she's my mother"
That's when Aunt Baby Sister announced..."THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOUR MOMMA FOOL!"
I jerked around to see who she was talking to. Apparently it was me! "Ma'am?" She repeated it,
THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOUR MOMMA, BETTY IS YO MOMMA!
The room began to spin, what was she saying? I tried to look deep into her blind eyes, she had this funny little smile on her face.
"If Betty is my mother, than me and Jessica (Cousin) are sisters?
Again she opened her mouth but this time her words were like a tornado that brought everying inside me crashing down. "NO FOOL, YOUR SO CALLED SISTER, BETTY ANN IS YOUR MOMMA" she said and laughed.
Now I am sure this is just my imagination, but that laugh sounded just like the Wicked Witch from the movie the Wizard of Oz.
I could hardly breathe, what was she saying? My sister Betty is my mother? I laid awake all night trying to put that thing together. My 10 year old mind could not even begin to grasp the meaning of this.
Before I go on, let me tell you this, my dad had died 3 years earlier, so it was just me and my mom. My mom had since dedicated her life to serving God, and for all practical purposes mine too. She was 70 years old raising a 10 year old. She was a woman of few words, and didn't have time for foolishness. Her motto was a child was to stay in a childs place. No adult had to explain nothing to a child. Don't question her. And I had never, ever heard her curse.
Okay, so when I got home, we were sitting at the kitchen table, I brought up the previous days disclosure... "Momma, Aunt Baby Sister said, you are not my mother, Betty is." She was quiet for a few seconds, then she said "Ida (Aunt Baby Sister) needs to keep her DAMN mouth shut" then she walked away.
OH MY GOD - MY MOTHER JUST SAID A CUSS WORD!
This was even more serious than I could even imagine. What was coming next? I thought I was going to get a whooping for sure. What had I done? Aunt Baby Sister is going to kill me! Oh no Momma might kill Aunt Baby Sister. There was no more conversation that night.
The next day, Momma said "Come here I want to show you something." She handed me a piece of paper, it was my birth certificate. It named her as my mother and my dad as my dad. This paper say you have a momma and a daddy and you ain't no bastard.
A few days later, she opened up a little more. "Betty Ann did birth you, but just cause a woman birth a baby, that don't make her no parent." As I was trying to process , my sister Betty Ann, had a baby, which was me. My momma kept speaking "After she had you Betty Ann got sick, and had to go into the hospital, me and your dad, took over your raisin'. You was adopted I show'd you the paper, that say we your momma and daddy, and that is that. Now go get ready to say your prayers and go to bed.
Nothing else was ever said. Period.
I continued to consider Betty Ann my sister, though she wasn't even their daughter, she was their niece and went on with my life. I experienced difficulties and trust issues, because at a very crucial time of my life, my world was turned upside down. My dad who wasn't my real dad had died, my mother wasn't my mother and my sister was my mother. Nothing was as it seemed. Nobody was who they said they were, and everybody knew it except me.
At age 18, I withdrew from the entire family entirely - Selfishly - my daughter never met any of the uncles, aunts, cousins that I grew up with. I didn't want them to hurt her like they hurt me. she never went family dinners, or had cousins, no funerals, nothing, it was jsut me andher agianst the world. SELFISH.
A few years ago, I reconciled with Betty Ann and my sister. so many lost years, but we made the best of it.
Betty and I finally talked. She told me about being a single mother in the 60's, how she drank and partied, left me with her friends. How she was not prepared to be a Mother. I told her that I didn't find out she was my mother until I was 10. She said she thought I knew and was mad at her all those years for giving me up, I told her I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the world for lying to me, for taking my daddy away, for all the unfair things life throws at you.
Betty was always a part of my life. When I got into trouble, she was there with my mother. When I ran away from home, she was there with my mother, and when I had my baby, she was there with my mother. She never attempted to take my mothers place, but she never let me down.
She settled down and was a wonderful great-grandmother, baking, cooking, picking apples, and tossing empty threats at the grandchildren. She passed Nov 2008, but thank God my Grandchildren have wonderful memories of Grandma Betty. They even recited poems at her funeral. I wish I had given my daughter the family, that I was able to give her children. Perhaps if I had, she wouldn't have tried to fill that void with her own babies.
Again, I saw God's hand. He did not allow us to reconcile until AFTER I BECAME A GRANDMOTHER. Until I had walked in Momma and Bettys shoes. Until I saw my grandchildren, drug around like objects, left with friends and acquaintances. Until I saw my daughter drunk or high and the kids left to fend for themselves. I understand the pain and joy of both women, and I was blessed to have 2 wonderful women who loved me so much.
God saved me from a life that I can't begin to imagine, might have been good, might not. Only God knows. But he placed me in that wicker basket and sent me down the river to live in the palace with the queen. God had a plan for my life, and he needed Betty Ann to bring me into this world and my Momma to bring me to the Altar.
Dear God, its me Judy, again.
I thank you for giving me a wonderful life and 2 fantastic women to shape and mold me. I thank you for slowly pulling back the curtains of insight and wisdom so that I could see the good and not the bad. I thank you for your forgiveness as well as both my mothers. I ask your forgiveness for denying my daughter the family she always desired. I thank you for giving me a second chance with my mother, my sister, and now my nieces and nephew. I thank you for what you have done with my life and what you plan to do. Give my sister and I the strength to raise these 8 children, as a family, loved, & supported. Lord I ask you to cover all of us with your blood, and keep us safe from harm. Lord, you know this has been a struggle for me, but please let my struggle serve as a model for someone else who is going through the same thing. Open their hearts and minds so that they can receive strength from you. If there is someone reading this right now, who has turned their back on their family, who feels alone and that nobody cares, who feels like they don't need family, who has not spoken to their children or parents, please make a way for them to reconnect. Let their phone ring, a chance meeting in the grocery store, don't let it be too late, to see an obituary, or at a funeral. Give them another chance to make things right, like you did for me. Whisper to them or knock them in the head, Lord whatever it takes. For those who don't have relationship with their families, step in and show them that a relationship with you can rebuild all broken bridges. Thank you so much for rebuilding my bridges and fixing my broken heart. May your will be done in my life and all who are blessed by this message. Amen
Knocking on Betty Anns door after more than 10 years of no communication was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Would she slam the door? Would she say, Why are you coming around now? Was she even still alive?
I stepped out on faith and was well rewarded. I took one step and God took two. One knock has made a significant difference in at least 15 peoples lives. One knock. Oh don't get me wrong, I drove down that street for months, making up all kinds of stories in my head. Of course satan caught rides with me, and convinced me many times that I needed to let them be. They are better off without me. The devil is a liar, and a thief and jumps at the opportunity to stop you from succeeding or take away something that might possibly bring you joy. He will.
Today is the day, don't send a message through somebody else, you need to reach out. Not ready to call? Thats okay, send an email, text message or letter. Send a card, or write a letter leave a voicemail when you know their not there. You take the first step and ask God to take the next step. You must be sincere.
What should you say?
Hi, I was thinking about you, I hope this note finds you well, I know its been a long time since we've spoken and we probably ended on a bad note. I'm sorry and hope you will forgive me. I realize how important you are to my life and would love a chance to just see you. I don't need money, I just need to make things right between us. Here's how I can be reached but if I don't hear from you I'll call or stop by.
Nobody to call or just can't bring yourself to do it. Tell God what you want, why its hard and ask him to work it out. He will.
I promise.
Judy
In the 1960's my earliest memories are of me and my dad, playing soldier, marching around our house, "Hup two-three-four" and trips with my mom to the hair dresser, Mrs Clara on E. Long Street.
I had older 3 sisters, Peaches, who lived in Cleveland, Ella, who stayed with us off an on, and Betty Ann, she lived on the same side of town.
My parents never owned a car, we either took the bus or called Yellow cab. They owned their home, had a garden, had Christmas dinners. We had a china cabinet filled with white china trimmed with blue flowers. My dad worked at the steel mill and my mom stayed home.
My mom took me to church and my dad stayed home. My sisters visited frequently, my favorite was Betty Ann, because she was pretty, and she paid me the most attention. She loved to party, alway had on short skirts, high heels and red lipstick. Peaches was mean and Ella was a drunk.
Funny, none of them referred to Mom as Mom, they all called her by her first name. That was normal to me, I thought I would too when I grew up.
Anyway, all my life I was plagued with the questions. My childhood friends would ask why is your mama so old? I gave the usual response "She had me late, I'm the baby, why is your mama so ugly? Or the ladies at church would ask "Baby where is your grandmother?" My response, "She is my mother and she's downstairs" I was immediately warned about sassing grown folk.
Well one day, when I was 10 years old I was visiting my aunt who I knew as Aunt Baby Sister. She was the meanest of them all. She had "The Sugar" and which took her sight and both legs. My Cousin and I were laying on the floor coloring, and Aunt Baby Sister was sitting there in her wheelchair. My cousin said, "I wish we were sisters and your mom was my mom". She was living with our aunt and uncle because her mom (a different Betty than my sister) had died. I said, "Me too, but I hate it when people call her my grandmother, she's my mother"
That's when Aunt Baby Sister announced..."THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOUR MOMMA FOOL!"
I jerked around to see who she was talking to. Apparently it was me! "Ma'am?" She repeated it,
THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOUR MOMMA, BETTY IS YO MOMMA!
The room began to spin, what was she saying? I tried to look deep into her blind eyes, she had this funny little smile on her face.
"If Betty is my mother, than me and Jessica (Cousin) are sisters?
Again she opened her mouth but this time her words were like a tornado that brought everying inside me crashing down. "NO FOOL, YOUR SO CALLED SISTER, BETTY ANN IS YOUR MOMMA" she said and laughed.
Now I am sure this is just my imagination, but that laugh sounded just like the Wicked Witch from the movie the Wizard of Oz.
I could hardly breathe, what was she saying? My sister Betty is my mother? I laid awake all night trying to put that thing together. My 10 year old mind could not even begin to grasp the meaning of this.
Before I go on, let me tell you this, my dad had died 3 years earlier, so it was just me and my mom. My mom had since dedicated her life to serving God, and for all practical purposes mine too. She was 70 years old raising a 10 year old. She was a woman of few words, and didn't have time for foolishness. Her motto was a child was to stay in a childs place. No adult had to explain nothing to a child. Don't question her. And I had never, ever heard her curse.
Okay, so when I got home, we were sitting at the kitchen table, I brought up the previous days disclosure... "Momma, Aunt Baby Sister said, you are not my mother, Betty is." She was quiet for a few seconds, then she said "Ida (Aunt Baby Sister) needs to keep her DAMN mouth shut" then she walked away.
OH MY GOD - MY MOTHER JUST SAID A CUSS WORD!
This was even more serious than I could even imagine. What was coming next? I thought I was going to get a whooping for sure. What had I done? Aunt Baby Sister is going to kill me! Oh no Momma might kill Aunt Baby Sister. There was no more conversation that night.
The next day, Momma said "Come here I want to show you something." She handed me a piece of paper, it was my birth certificate. It named her as my mother and my dad as my dad. This paper say you have a momma and a daddy and you ain't no bastard.
A few days later, she opened up a little more. "Betty Ann did birth you, but just cause a woman birth a baby, that don't make her no parent." As I was trying to process , my sister Betty Ann, had a baby, which was me. My momma kept speaking "After she had you Betty Ann got sick, and had to go into the hospital, me and your dad, took over your raisin'. You was adopted I show'd you the paper, that say we your momma and daddy, and that is that. Now go get ready to say your prayers and go to bed.
Nothing else was ever said. Period.
I continued to consider Betty Ann my sister, though she wasn't even their daughter, she was their niece and went on with my life. I experienced difficulties and trust issues, because at a very crucial time of my life, my world was turned upside down. My dad who wasn't my real dad had died, my mother wasn't my mother and my sister was my mother. Nothing was as it seemed. Nobody was who they said they were, and everybody knew it except me.
At age 18, I withdrew from the entire family entirely - Selfishly - my daughter never met any of the uncles, aunts, cousins that I grew up with. I didn't want them to hurt her like they hurt me. she never went family dinners, or had cousins, no funerals, nothing, it was jsut me andher agianst the world. SELFISH.
A few years ago, I reconciled with Betty Ann and my sister. so many lost years, but we made the best of it.
Betty and I finally talked. She told me about being a single mother in the 60's, how she drank and partied, left me with her friends. How she was not prepared to be a Mother. I told her that I didn't find out she was my mother until I was 10. She said she thought I knew and was mad at her all those years for giving me up, I told her I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the world for lying to me, for taking my daddy away, for all the unfair things life throws at you.
Betty was always a part of my life. When I got into trouble, she was there with my mother. When I ran away from home, she was there with my mother, and when I had my baby, she was there with my mother. She never attempted to take my mothers place, but she never let me down.
She settled down and was a wonderful great-grandmother, baking, cooking, picking apples, and tossing empty threats at the grandchildren. She passed Nov 2008, but thank God my Grandchildren have wonderful memories of Grandma Betty. They even recited poems at her funeral. I wish I had given my daughter the family, that I was able to give her children. Perhaps if I had, she wouldn't have tried to fill that void with her own babies.
Again, I saw God's hand. He did not allow us to reconcile until AFTER I BECAME A GRANDMOTHER. Until I had walked in Momma and Bettys shoes. Until I saw my grandchildren, drug around like objects, left with friends and acquaintances. Until I saw my daughter drunk or high and the kids left to fend for themselves. I understand the pain and joy of both women, and I was blessed to have 2 wonderful women who loved me so much.
God saved me from a life that I can't begin to imagine, might have been good, might not. Only God knows. But he placed me in that wicker basket and sent me down the river to live in the palace with the queen. God had a plan for my life, and he needed Betty Ann to bring me into this world and my Momma to bring me to the Altar.
Dear God, its me Judy, again.
I thank you for giving me a wonderful life and 2 fantastic women to shape and mold me. I thank you for slowly pulling back the curtains of insight and wisdom so that I could see the good and not the bad. I thank you for your forgiveness as well as both my mothers. I ask your forgiveness for denying my daughter the family she always desired. I thank you for giving me a second chance with my mother, my sister, and now my nieces and nephew. I thank you for what you have done with my life and what you plan to do. Give my sister and I the strength to raise these 8 children, as a family, loved, & supported. Lord I ask you to cover all of us with your blood, and keep us safe from harm. Lord, you know this has been a struggle for me, but please let my struggle serve as a model for someone else who is going through the same thing. Open their hearts and minds so that they can receive strength from you. If there is someone reading this right now, who has turned their back on their family, who feels alone and that nobody cares, who feels like they don't need family, who has not spoken to their children or parents, please make a way for them to reconnect. Let their phone ring, a chance meeting in the grocery store, don't let it be too late, to see an obituary, or at a funeral. Give them another chance to make things right, like you did for me. Whisper to them or knock them in the head, Lord whatever it takes. For those who don't have relationship with their families, step in and show them that a relationship with you can rebuild all broken bridges. Thank you so much for rebuilding my bridges and fixing my broken heart. May your will be done in my life and all who are blessed by this message. Amen
Knocking on Betty Anns door after more than 10 years of no communication was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Would she slam the door? Would she say, Why are you coming around now? Was she even still alive?
I stepped out on faith and was well rewarded. I took one step and God took two. One knock has made a significant difference in at least 15 peoples lives. One knock. Oh don't get me wrong, I drove down that street for months, making up all kinds of stories in my head. Of course satan caught rides with me, and convinced me many times that I needed to let them be. They are better off without me. The devil is a liar, and a thief and jumps at the opportunity to stop you from succeeding or take away something that might possibly bring you joy. He will.
Today is the day, don't send a message through somebody else, you need to reach out. Not ready to call? Thats okay, send an email, text message or letter. Send a card, or write a letter leave a voicemail when you know their not there. You take the first step and ask God to take the next step. You must be sincere.
What should you say?
Hi, I was thinking about you, I hope this note finds you well, I know its been a long time since we've spoken and we probably ended on a bad note. I'm sorry and hope you will forgive me. I realize how important you are to my life and would love a chance to just see you. I don't need money, I just need to make things right between us. Here's how I can be reached but if I don't hear from you I'll call or stop by.
Nobody to call or just can't bring yourself to do it. Tell God what you want, why its hard and ask him to work it out. He will.
I promise.
Judy
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
OUR FIRST DOWN TOGETHER
Money, thats what keeps me up at night. I don't know why, God has never let me down, yet I still worry. Since taking custody of my grandchildren last week, my checking account has taken a significant hit.
First of all, I do have a significant other. We live together, are not married, but we do observe God's laws and not intimate. I know this is extremely difficult for him, and it would not surprise me in the least if he is having an affair, probably 2. But I must follow God's law until we get married.
Of course I worry about him leaving, we are coming up on our 9th anniversary. Why won't we get married, I don't know, maybe I am afraid of commitment, maybe God hasn't released me to marry, that i leave in God's hands. We have tried to break up many times, but God always steps in.
One night I was DONE, we had been arguing for days, and we were on the front porch, i was ready to throw in the towel, he can have the house and everything, just let me out. As I was saying the words... "Lets just solve this now you can have..." He was looking into the house through the window and said "What's that?" Something was flying around the living room, and my grandson was asleep on the couch. He opened the door and exclaimed "It's a bat!" I looked and sure enough there was a bat flying in circles around the living room ceiling, with the boy on the sofa. Needless to say, the conversation ended immediately.
Now you might think I'm crazy, but c'mon a bat! At that moment! Hadn't seen one before and haven't seen one since. GOD STOPPED THAT CONVERSATION!
Anyway, I will refer to him as Papa going forward, thats what the kids call him. He makes major contributions to the household, but I still worry.
Back to the money. In the past 10 days I have spent:
$80 on clothes at the thrift store - because their clothes were either too small or raggedy, the 3 boys had 4 pair of underwear between them.
$300 on groceries, stuff for household and Easter
They still need shoes, more food, and only God knows what else.
Mind you, none of this was in my budget and my bills are still due.
I don't get paid again until May 15 and I need at least $1200 before then.
Will God make a way? Absoutely! Am I worried? Absolutely! Do I believe? Absolutely!
Here's what I know, God will provide. That's all I know.
Dear God, its me, Judy again.
Lord I thank you for just one more day, I thank you because all the children had a Good Day at school yesterday. I thank you for blessing me with their laughter. You have never let me down, You show me that you love me. Today is a dark day for me, as I worry about the bills, I know in my heart that you will make a way, as you have done so many times before. I try to just give you my problems, but then I take them back and carry them around. You know I am so used to trying to be in control. I know You are working on this with me, and I submit them again to you. I know that you have prepared me for this, and You wouldn't have given it to me if I wasn't ready. I need you today, to calm my mind and my spirit. Satan sees a weak spot and I ask you to stand between us. I need to be strong for You, the children, my daughter, and now the person reading this. I am reaching out my hand, please take it and lead me back to the path. May Your will be done. Amen
Well, I really have to go, more laundry - my own, and I actually need to work on one of my businesses. Generate some income.
Remember, God will make a way, in His own time, in His own way. Wait til I tell you about The Woman with the oil lamp. My own biblical story come true.
First of all, I do have a significant other. We live together, are not married, but we do observe God's laws and not intimate. I know this is extremely difficult for him, and it would not surprise me in the least if he is having an affair, probably 2. But I must follow God's law until we get married.
Of course I worry about him leaving, we are coming up on our 9th anniversary. Why won't we get married, I don't know, maybe I am afraid of commitment, maybe God hasn't released me to marry, that i leave in God's hands. We have tried to break up many times, but God always steps in.
One night I was DONE, we had been arguing for days, and we were on the front porch, i was ready to throw in the towel, he can have the house and everything, just let me out. As I was saying the words... "Lets just solve this now you can have..." He was looking into the house through the window and said "What's that?" Something was flying around the living room, and my grandson was asleep on the couch. He opened the door and exclaimed "It's a bat!" I looked and sure enough there was a bat flying in circles around the living room ceiling, with the boy on the sofa. Needless to say, the conversation ended immediately.
Now you might think I'm crazy, but c'mon a bat! At that moment! Hadn't seen one before and haven't seen one since. GOD STOPPED THAT CONVERSATION!
Anyway, I will refer to him as Papa going forward, thats what the kids call him. He makes major contributions to the household, but I still worry.
Back to the money. In the past 10 days I have spent:
$80 on clothes at the thrift store - because their clothes were either too small or raggedy, the 3 boys had 4 pair of underwear between them.
$300 on groceries, stuff for household and Easter
They still need shoes, more food, and only God knows what else.
Mind you, none of this was in my budget and my bills are still due.
I don't get paid again until May 15 and I need at least $1200 before then.
Will God make a way? Absoutely! Am I worried? Absolutely! Do I believe? Absolutely!
Here's what I know, God will provide. That's all I know.
Dear God, its me, Judy again.
Lord I thank you for just one more day, I thank you because all the children had a Good Day at school yesterday. I thank you for blessing me with their laughter. You have never let me down, You show me that you love me. Today is a dark day for me, as I worry about the bills, I know in my heart that you will make a way, as you have done so many times before. I try to just give you my problems, but then I take them back and carry them around. You know I am so used to trying to be in control. I know You are working on this with me, and I submit them again to you. I know that you have prepared me for this, and You wouldn't have given it to me if I wasn't ready. I need you today, to calm my mind and my spirit. Satan sees a weak spot and I ask you to stand between us. I need to be strong for You, the children, my daughter, and now the person reading this. I am reaching out my hand, please take it and lead me back to the path. May Your will be done. Amen
Well, I really have to go, more laundry - my own, and I actually need to work on one of my businesses. Generate some income.
Remember, God will make a way, in His own time, in His own way. Wait til I tell you about The Woman with the oil lamp. My own biblical story come true.
Monday, April 20, 2009
GUESS WHAT I GOT IN MY EASTER BASKET! GRANDKIDS!
In the past 2 days I have done over 10 loads of laundry. Its not that all the clothes were dirty, they were just all mixed up, and I couldn't tell what was clean or dirty.
These aren't my clothes, they belong to my 4 lovely grandchildren, 3 boys and 1 girl, all under 10 years old.
Now, as we proceed on this journey, we all have our loads to carry. Mine came in a not so neatly wrapped package.
First of all you may have seen the word SELFISH earlier - well that is my biggest fault. I am selfish and am learning everyday just how selfish I am. My selfishness goes back more than 40 years. I had 3 bikes, and a little girl next door climbed on one and I pushed her off. It was the first time my Dad (who I loved and admired with all my heart, who could do no wrong) gave me a spanking. He told me I was being selfish, and promptly put all the bikes away. If I couldn't share, then I couldn't ride.
I remember that day, because i could not believe that my Daddy spanked Me! It didn't have that much effect, other than cement my acting career. I would pretend that I like to share, but deep down inside, I hated it, WHAT'S MINE IS MINE.
Fast forward - I have great stories of selfishness, unfortunately, I see the result in my daughter, who is the mother of the 4 lovely grandchildren. I became a grandmother at age 35, much to my chagrin. But I had no plans of raising them. I have my own life to live, my own stuff to do, I don't have time for grandchildren, I have never even been on a cruise.
My motto was Granny will be back!
It was a known fact throughout my entire circle that I didn't like kids - The truth is that I did not like the responsibility of children, that's why I only had one. I don't like cooking, laundry, buying clothes and shoes for someone other than myself. I like to come and go as I please, I have a convertible that comfortably seats 2.
Well let me tell you what I found out...
Oh I know all the great stories of the Bible, when he made ordinary people do extraodinary things. But this is centuries later, and I know I'm not worthy.
Anyway, here's the amazing overview of how I knew God had decided that I would play a major role in these kids lives.
First of all, I haven't applied for a job that I got in over 14 years, probably longer -
See Post - THE JOBS GOD GAVE ME - coming soon. One of the jobs He gave me was as a computer teacher at a elementary charter school. I got it because he had given me a job teaching computer classes at an urban adult education extension center and the director referred me to the charter school. I was hired on the spot, even though I wasn't looking for a job.
Then of course because it was a new school they were short handed, and I was offered a teachers assistant position as well as computer teacher. Now everybody,and I do mean everybody I knew was shocked that I was working with children - everybody knew that I could not stand to be in the same room with children for more than 20 minutes, without edging toward the door.
But God had other plans, I learned way more than I taught. I learned about early childhood education, child behavior, how to identify neglect. I learned what children should know by the 3rd grade, and I realized that many African American children are behind, and why. I learned that there is a true cultural difference between the education of the children. I learned that children want to be smart, but if it is not a priorty in the home, then its not a priorty for them. I learned that children should not be passed if they can't master their grade.
I learned that we wasted over $50,000 on my daughters private school education, because we did not ensure that she had mastered the fundamentals at an early age. We enrolled her in private school in the 6th grade. Hell, she was already behind. I learned that she needed me to make sure that she understood her classwork & homework was done. I learned that education is a circle, I teach her, school builds on what I taught, school teaches her, I build on that. We are a team in her education and one can not totally succeed without the other. Period.
God knows everything, so He didn't leave me at the school very long, it would not have been beneficial for either of us. I know I impacted some childrens lives, but they had a greater impact on mine.
The next thing He did was to give me a big old house - 3 bedrooms and a full attic. Notice I said GIVE - God gave me my house - I will elaborate on this later because the story is amazing. Bottom line, I had no money, I mean none, my credit was so bad I could not get layaway (thats a joke, but I couldn't get any credit). But God gave me this house.
As all this was happening, my lovely daughter kept having babies - my worst nightmare, I blamed myself, I was mad at her, I could see her ruining her life. Oh by the way, I wasn't praying for her, I was just criticizing her.
Then God gave me a new job, this one with flexible work schedule and wonderful family oriented people. I learned the importance of family. I worked for a higher education association at an university, and I was the only staff member without a degree. All of a sudden all of my peers had Masters and PH'D's. I saw God's hand in this, because again, I was not worthy.
During this time I reunited with my birth mom and younger sister who adopted 4 children (I always felt that she was paying my debt) - I'll tell you about my adoption later. I also took them to Cleveland and introduced them to my ex and his family, which gave me the opportunity to introduce my grandchildren to 4 generations on both sides.
Then God decided to ease me into this thing. The first year, My daughter went to work at 5am, and needed some help getting the children to school, so I would pick them up in the morning and take them to school. It was on my way and they didn't have to be at school until 9:30am. On the drive in we practiced our spelling words, talked about current events, and I got them prepared for learning. We did this for 1 year. I attended all events and meetings. Things went well. I wasn't too inconvenienced.
Last year, her living situation changed, and it would have been necessary for her to wake the children up at 4:30 am take them to a babysitter, then they would go to school. I offered that she would bring the children here in the evening, at 8pm - don't want to cramp my style too much, have their clothes ready and I would take them to school. This was a little harder, I had to wake them, make sure they washed faces and brushed teeth, hair combed, etc, but we made it through,
Then over the summer God unveiled a couple things. My daughter came to me with a black eye, the guy she was staying with had got drunk and hit her with the phone. I told her to come home, which she did for a little while, but of course she went back, I was traveling and didn't see the kids much over the summer but life was grand for me, school was out, no kids and I was feeling footloose and fancy free.
One day she came over with the kids, they were dirty and hungry, but aren't kids always? They stayed later than normal, but as they were getting ready to leave, one of the kids asked - Mommy where are we sleeping tonight? She told them to go get in the van, and they left. But that did it. When I talked to her again, she told me that they had been sleeping over her friends or in the van, & she needed money.
She said she was overwhelmed, it was then that I realized that I couldn't help her I told her this:
I don't know how to help you. Just giving you $50 or $100 isn't going to make a difference. All I can do is give you to God. I suggested that she pray, and ask God to help her. Only he can work this thing out. If she could not find it in her heart to pray for herself, then she needed to pray for her children, that God would help her with them. I closed the conversation by offering that she and the children come and stay with me. She left.
Dear God, its me, Judy again.
Lord, I thank You for all You have done, but this time I don't know what to do. I am torn and You know how I really feel deep down in my soul. I told her to call on You, yet I realized that I never really introduced You to her. Yes, I offered for them to come here, but You know that I don't really want them here. She is going to expect for me to do all the work, and they are going to tear up everything. Lots of noise, arguing, all of my bills are going to go up. I really just want peace in my life. But I do understand one thing, You gave me this house, and there were strings attached to it, and those strings are attached to those children. So, I ask You to give me the strength, to remove this selfishness, I know that if I do not share, You will take it from me, as it is only by Your Grace, that I have a home myself, You have prepared me, and I apologize for how I feel, but You know my heart. Whats that song? , Give me a clean heart so I may serve Thee. Lord, fix my heart so that I may be used by Thee Again I can't remember the words, but You know what I mean. Please God just help me through this.
A couple months later she came back, the boyfriend had thrown all her belongings out into the rain, & broken what little furniture she had.
I told her to come here, quit the stupid job, come here and take some time to get herself together. Just come home.
They came, I didn't even have beds for them to sleep in, but you know God took care of that, as well as dressers. The boys are in the attic, they have a pool table, and foosball game. My daughter and granddaughter sleep in one room. The kids grades all show tremendous improvement.
Things were fine, but the devil would have none of that. My daughter was working for a local tax preparer, and her hours dropped off. She began to disappear, leaving the children home alone. There was an incident of one child cutting another, while they were home alone, after school. I began to pay a sitter from 4 - 6, just until I could get home.
The sitter was watching them here, then she rented an apartment just 2 blocks from the elementary school, and then last week she called me to have their mother pick them up from her house at 6pm . I called my daughter at 2pm, to tell her, she told me that she was about to go out of town and she would text their dad to pick them up. He called, not knowing what was going on. The sitter said he picked the kids up DRUNK.
My daughter was due back in town on Friday (before Easter), she did not return until Sunday.
God spoke to my heart and said - Now is the time.
On Easter Sunday, my daughter and I had The Talk. I told her this cannot go on. Just give me guardianship, custody or whatever. I have been charged by God to do what is right. He has been preparing me for this. I apologized for her childhood, I told her how selfish she was being, and how selfish I had been. but we must break the cycle. These children are in danger, of being lost to ignorance, gangs, alcohol, drugs, & abuse. Please just give them to me.
I haven't seen her since. 8 days, she called and told them she was coming to get them yesterday. No sight of her.
Dear God, its me Judy again,
Well here we are, I've cooked, done 10 loads of laundry, none of it mine. I know that You will not forsake me, but I am tired already. I know this is just the beginning. I don't know what You have planned for me or these children, all I ask is that You wrap Your arms around all of us, including their mom. Help me to raise these children to worship You. Thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life for support. I know it's not going to be easy, I know that I may have to postpone my cruise for a few more years. Right now i will focus on making sure these children have what they need, please let me teach them as my mother taught me. Let them see you work in my life and show them how you can work in theirs. You gave them to me, please keep me and them healthy, so that we can do Your will.
As you journey with me, you will see me at my highest and my lowest. You will also see God working in my life. Just remember, as he did it for others, and me, He will do it for you. Keep in mind that Gods blessings come with strings attached. You must use them to bless others and you must give God the Glory. Thats just for starters. Its not an easy road to travel, but I tell you what I wouldn't want to imagine it any other way.
Well, its time to start cooking dinner - got to pick them up at 6.
These aren't my clothes, they belong to my 4 lovely grandchildren, 3 boys and 1 girl, all under 10 years old.
Now, as we proceed on this journey, we all have our loads to carry. Mine came in a not so neatly wrapped package.
First of all you may have seen the word SELFISH earlier - well that is my biggest fault. I am selfish and am learning everyday just how selfish I am. My selfishness goes back more than 40 years. I had 3 bikes, and a little girl next door climbed on one and I pushed her off. It was the first time my Dad (who I loved and admired with all my heart, who could do no wrong) gave me a spanking. He told me I was being selfish, and promptly put all the bikes away. If I couldn't share, then I couldn't ride.
I remember that day, because i could not believe that my Daddy spanked Me! It didn't have that much effect, other than cement my acting career. I would pretend that I like to share, but deep down inside, I hated it, WHAT'S MINE IS MINE.
Fast forward - I have great stories of selfishness, unfortunately, I see the result in my daughter, who is the mother of the 4 lovely grandchildren. I became a grandmother at age 35, much to my chagrin. But I had no plans of raising them. I have my own life to live, my own stuff to do, I don't have time for grandchildren, I have never even been on a cruise.
My motto was Granny will be back!
It was a known fact throughout my entire circle that I didn't like kids - The truth is that I did not like the responsibility of children, that's why I only had one. I don't like cooking, laundry, buying clothes and shoes for someone other than myself. I like to come and go as I please, I have a convertible that comfortably seats 2.
Well let me tell you what I found out...
GOD DOESN'T GIVE A DARN ABOUT WHAT I LIKE!
When I said to him, Your will be done in my life, He took it seriously. I thought I meant it, but I have learned you have to be careful when you give your life to God, because He is going to do things with it.Oh I know all the great stories of the Bible, when he made ordinary people do extraodinary things. But this is centuries later, and I know I'm not worthy.
Anyway, here's the amazing overview of how I knew God had decided that I would play a major role in these kids lives.
First of all, I haven't applied for a job that I got in over 14 years, probably longer -
See Post - THE JOBS GOD GAVE ME - coming soon. One of the jobs He gave me was as a computer teacher at a elementary charter school. I got it because he had given me a job teaching computer classes at an urban adult education extension center and the director referred me to the charter school. I was hired on the spot, even though I wasn't looking for a job.
Then of course because it was a new school they were short handed, and I was offered a teachers assistant position as well as computer teacher. Now everybody,and I do mean everybody I knew was shocked that I was working with children - everybody knew that I could not stand to be in the same room with children for more than 20 minutes, without edging toward the door.
But God had other plans, I learned way more than I taught. I learned about early childhood education, child behavior, how to identify neglect. I learned what children should know by the 3rd grade, and I realized that many African American children are behind, and why. I learned that there is a true cultural difference between the education of the children. I learned that children want to be smart, but if it is not a priorty in the home, then its not a priorty for them. I learned that children should not be passed if they can't master their grade.
I learned that we wasted over $50,000 on my daughters private school education, because we did not ensure that she had mastered the fundamentals at an early age. We enrolled her in private school in the 6th grade. Hell, she was already behind. I learned that she needed me to make sure that she understood her classwork & homework was done. I learned that education is a circle, I teach her, school builds on what I taught, school teaches her, I build on that. We are a team in her education and one can not totally succeed without the other. Period.
God knows everything, so He didn't leave me at the school very long, it would not have been beneficial for either of us. I know I impacted some childrens lives, but they had a greater impact on mine.
The next thing He did was to give me a big old house - 3 bedrooms and a full attic. Notice I said GIVE - God gave me my house - I will elaborate on this later because the story is amazing. Bottom line, I had no money, I mean none, my credit was so bad I could not get layaway (thats a joke, but I couldn't get any credit). But God gave me this house.
As all this was happening, my lovely daughter kept having babies - my worst nightmare, I blamed myself, I was mad at her, I could see her ruining her life. Oh by the way, I wasn't praying for her, I was just criticizing her.
Then God gave me a new job, this one with flexible work schedule and wonderful family oriented people. I learned the importance of family. I worked for a higher education association at an university, and I was the only staff member without a degree. All of a sudden all of my peers had Masters and PH'D's. I saw God's hand in this, because again, I was not worthy.
During this time I reunited with my birth mom and younger sister who adopted 4 children (I always felt that she was paying my debt) - I'll tell you about my adoption later. I also took them to Cleveland and introduced them to my ex and his family, which gave me the opportunity to introduce my grandchildren to 4 generations on both sides.
Then God decided to ease me into this thing. The first year, My daughter went to work at 5am, and needed some help getting the children to school, so I would pick them up in the morning and take them to school. It was on my way and they didn't have to be at school until 9:30am. On the drive in we practiced our spelling words, talked about current events, and I got them prepared for learning. We did this for 1 year. I attended all events and meetings. Things went well. I wasn't too inconvenienced.
Last year, her living situation changed, and it would have been necessary for her to wake the children up at 4:30 am take them to a babysitter, then they would go to school. I offered that she would bring the children here in the evening, at 8pm - don't want to cramp my style too much, have their clothes ready and I would take them to school. This was a little harder, I had to wake them, make sure they washed faces and brushed teeth, hair combed, etc, but we made it through,
Then over the summer God unveiled a couple things. My daughter came to me with a black eye, the guy she was staying with had got drunk and hit her with the phone. I told her to come home, which she did for a little while, but of course she went back, I was traveling and didn't see the kids much over the summer but life was grand for me, school was out, no kids and I was feeling footloose and fancy free.
One day she came over with the kids, they were dirty and hungry, but aren't kids always? They stayed later than normal, but as they were getting ready to leave, one of the kids asked - Mommy where are we sleeping tonight? She told them to go get in the van, and they left. But that did it. When I talked to her again, she told me that they had been sleeping over her friends or in the van, & she needed money.
She said she was overwhelmed, it was then that I realized that I couldn't help her I told her this:
I don't know how to help you. Just giving you $50 or $100 isn't going to make a difference. All I can do is give you to God. I suggested that she pray, and ask God to help her. Only he can work this thing out. If she could not find it in her heart to pray for herself, then she needed to pray for her children, that God would help her with them. I closed the conversation by offering that she and the children come and stay with me. She left.
Dear God, its me, Judy again.
Lord, I thank You for all You have done, but this time I don't know what to do. I am torn and You know how I really feel deep down in my soul. I told her to call on You, yet I realized that I never really introduced You to her. Yes, I offered for them to come here, but You know that I don't really want them here. She is going to expect for me to do all the work, and they are going to tear up everything. Lots of noise, arguing, all of my bills are going to go up. I really just want peace in my life. But I do understand one thing, You gave me this house, and there were strings attached to it, and those strings are attached to those children. So, I ask You to give me the strength, to remove this selfishness, I know that if I do not share, You will take it from me, as it is only by Your Grace, that I have a home myself, You have prepared me, and I apologize for how I feel, but You know my heart. Whats that song? , Give me a clean heart so I may serve Thee. Lord, fix my heart so that I may be used by Thee Again I can't remember the words, but You know what I mean. Please God just help me through this.
A couple months later she came back, the boyfriend had thrown all her belongings out into the rain, & broken what little furniture she had.
I told her to come here, quit the stupid job, come here and take some time to get herself together. Just come home.
They came, I didn't even have beds for them to sleep in, but you know God took care of that, as well as dressers. The boys are in the attic, they have a pool table, and foosball game. My daughter and granddaughter sleep in one room. The kids grades all show tremendous improvement.
Things were fine, but the devil would have none of that. My daughter was working for a local tax preparer, and her hours dropped off. She began to disappear, leaving the children home alone. There was an incident of one child cutting another, while they were home alone, after school. I began to pay a sitter from 4 - 6, just until I could get home.
The sitter was watching them here, then she rented an apartment just 2 blocks from the elementary school, and then last week she called me to have their mother pick them up from her house at 6pm . I called my daughter at 2pm, to tell her, she told me that she was about to go out of town and she would text their dad to pick them up. He called, not knowing what was going on. The sitter said he picked the kids up DRUNK.
My daughter was due back in town on Friday (before Easter), she did not return until Sunday.
God spoke to my heart and said - Now is the time.
On Easter Sunday, my daughter and I had The Talk. I told her this cannot go on. Just give me guardianship, custody or whatever. I have been charged by God to do what is right. He has been preparing me for this. I apologized for her childhood, I told her how selfish she was being, and how selfish I had been. but we must break the cycle. These children are in danger, of being lost to ignorance, gangs, alcohol, drugs, & abuse. Please just give them to me.
I haven't seen her since. 8 days, she called and told them she was coming to get them yesterday. No sight of her.
Dear God, its me Judy again,
Well here we are, I've cooked, done 10 loads of laundry, none of it mine. I know that You will not forsake me, but I am tired already. I know this is just the beginning. I don't know what You have planned for me or these children, all I ask is that You wrap Your arms around all of us, including their mom. Help me to raise these children to worship You. Thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life for support. I know it's not going to be easy, I know that I may have to postpone my cruise for a few more years. Right now i will focus on making sure these children have what they need, please let me teach them as my mother taught me. Let them see you work in my life and show them how you can work in theirs. You gave them to me, please keep me and them healthy, so that we can do Your will.
As you journey with me, you will see me at my highest and my lowest. You will also see God working in my life. Just remember, as he did it for others, and me, He will do it for you. Keep in mind that Gods blessings come with strings attached. You must use them to bless others and you must give God the Glory. Thats just for starters. Its not an easy road to travel, but I tell you what I wouldn't want to imagine it any other way.
Well, its time to start cooking dinner - got to pick them up at 6.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
THE DAY - IT WAS ACTUALLY NIGHT TIME
People always say, "I remember THE DAY, just like it was yesterday" Well I remember the day, not the date, not even the month except that it was cool, don't really remember the year, just the day. The day that I actually called out to God - I QUIT!- I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!
Just a few months earlier I had quit my job at the post office, yes I quit the US Postal Service, I know, if you didn't think I was crazy before you think so now. After working nights/weekends/holidays for 6 years, being treated like crap. I made lots of money, but I spent it like crazy, trying to buy happiness.
I was always tired, I alienated what little of my family I had, my daughter was practically living with the babysitter, and I was gambling like crazy. I was sleeping with a married man. I had money but I was miserable. I had a nice place, new car, fine clothes, I was a union official for OH, IN & KY, so I traveled, stayed in nice hotels.
I was cute, well built, beautiful smile, intelligent & admired by most.
On the outside, I had it going on. On the inside, I was miserable, empty and lost. It seemed to me that I was happier when I didn't have so many things. So I quit the post office.
I gave up everything, the home, car, purged most of the material things and within 6 months, I found myself sitting in my sisters basement.
Let me clarify, I was not on drugs, didn't drink, didn't hear a voice, I gave these things up willingly. Call it depression, call it crazy, whatever, it was the beginning of the rest of my life.
Okay, back to the basement, well let me tell you how I got there, after leaving my nice home, I moved to an apartment in the suburbs, but I didn't have a car, so I eventually moved into a duplex in the city. The landlord was awfully friendly, stopping by for no reason, in the evenings. Real interested in my personal life, it got to the point that he said he knew it was tough for a single mother and if I didn't have money to pay the rent, we could make some other arrangement. I politely thanked him and paid my rent early every month.
I had run into my long lost cousin, she now married with 6 kids. When we were young she used to take up for me when people picked on me. Well we were starting to get close and she just lived down the street, so she was over everyday.
Apparently my landlord did not appreciate her constant presence and he began to harass me, well she wasn't going to let that happen, so she confronted him, I don't exactly remember all the details but there was a lot of cussing, a knife, the police, and I didn't live there anymore.
Anyway, there was a vacant apartment conveniently next door to my S/hero cousin, so I moved in. Within a couple weeks oddly enough every time I left home, things would come up missing out of my apartment, it was as if things just grew legs or someone had a key and just walked in and took them. I forgot to mention she and her husband were addicted to crack.
I was telling my older sister, whose goal in life is to protect me, and immediately she came over with her Plymouth Horizon hatchback, starting packing up my stuff, and said You're out of here. The cousins came home and yet another confrontation ensued. No knives or police this time.
So there I sat, in my sisters basement, all my belongings in about 8 garbage bags, my daughter and i sharing a bed. Did I mention unfinished basement. Spiders, centipedes, water dripping, moldy smelling. In addition, she and her unemployed abusive husband, got high, drank and fought most nights just above my head.
WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE?
I was, in essence, homeless. I didn't even have a job.
I grew up in a lovely home, with a piano and a dog. I had always had my own place. I don't stay with people, they stay with me. and I have always had a job!
I have always hated loud music, arguing, people running in and out, and here I was right in the middle of my worst nightmare.
THAT WAS THE DAY - WELL, IT WAS ACTUALLY NIGHT TIME
I was sitting on the bed, and I closed my eyes and tried to pray, but I didn't know how to start. Wait a minute I was raised in the church, I know how to do this. I got down on my knees - nothing. Okay, just say The Lords Prayer.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth, Lead us not - No, that's wrong, Deliver us from - wait that's wrong, something is missing - something about trespassing.
OH MY GOD - I FORGOT THE LORDS PRAYER - I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRAY.
You don't know how serious this is. My mom made me say this prayer every night before bed. We said it at church, we were required to memorize it - it was the key to heaven. Things are really bad.
I'm broke, jobless, homeless, in a basement and I can't remember The Lords Prayer!
So I just began talking to God - on my knees.
Dear Heavenly Father, I don't even know what to say. I don't know where to start. The music is so loud, and it is so cold down here, that I am having trouble concentrating on You. All I can say is please forgive me, I am sorry, and I need you. My daughter needs you. My mother always said that if I take one step, You will take two. Well this is it, I give up, I quit, I have been trying to do everything by myself and I just can't do it anymore. I have failed everyone, my mom, my child, myself, and you. Please help me.
I continued to pour my heart out to God. My jaws were aching, my eyes were burning, my knees were hurting. I don't remember falling asleep.
I woke up to a bright light shining on my face, I was almost blinded by it. Then I realized, it was the Sun, shining through that one basement window. I was still on my knees, tired, worn, in pain. But the rays of the sun seemed to penetrate my entire body. They seemed to go to the core, to a place deep down inside me that had never been touched. I wish I could put it into words for you.
The night before had been the darkest of my life, and the next morning everything seemed new, full of possibilities, the house was quiet, the critters seemed to disappear, and I suddenly remembered a job a guy was telling me about.
If any this sounds familiar to you, if you are "feeling this", if you don't remember The Lords Prayer, or if you never knew it. If you are miserable, if you have it all, or if you have nothing, if there is darkness. Just take a moment and speak to God, no formal prayer, thees and thou's necessary, just try it, as if you were telling your best friend (who by the way can't do anything for you).
Tell God what you are feeling, its okay to tell him, that you don't even know what to say. He wants to hear from you.
Have you ever had a child break something in your home, and you ask what happened, knowing full well what happened? You want them to just tell you the truth, for once, admit it, and if they do admit it, and you know how quietly that's done, you may be angry, but you get that warm feeling inside, you feel a little closer, and proud, there may be hope for them yet.
God wants to hear the truth from you. In your own words, he knows you cuss, he knows you smoke, drink, get high, don't pay your bills, gamble, screw around, lie, steal, cheat. He knows you neglect your children, your parents, yourself. He knows you are selfish, your hair is done, your kids look like ragamuffins, you can't get away from that man or woman. You are an abuser. He already knows, he sees you everyday.
He is waiting, so that he can wrap his arms around you, like the warmth of the sun.
Just talk to him.
MAKE TODAY - THE DAY
Dear God, its me, Judy, again. I thank You for THAT DAY and this one. I thank You for keeping me and safe. I thank You for listening to me, even though I couldn't remember how to pray. You have brought me a long way, it hasn't always been easy, and there have been many times, that I thought I could do it without You, but You stuck with me and I appreciate it.
Now, I need You to wrap Your arms around the person reading this. Give them that warm feeling, that lets them know You are there. Make their ears warm, right now, as they read this so they know, they feel You. Give them a sign, that You know they read this. Give them confirmation, You know how You and only You do. Show them that You are still God of Heaven and Earth, and as You know about a sparrow, You know about them.
Use me, Today, Lord, to touch 1 person, to be the one to introduce or re-introduce You into their lives.
Judy
Just a few months earlier I had quit my job at the post office, yes I quit the US Postal Service, I know, if you didn't think I was crazy before you think so now. After working nights/weekends/holidays for 6 years, being treated like crap. I made lots of money, but I spent it like crazy, trying to buy happiness.
I was always tired, I alienated what little of my family I had, my daughter was practically living with the babysitter, and I was gambling like crazy. I was sleeping with a married man. I had money but I was miserable. I had a nice place, new car, fine clothes, I was a union official for OH, IN & KY, so I traveled, stayed in nice hotels.
I was cute, well built, beautiful smile, intelligent & admired by most.
On the outside, I had it going on. On the inside, I was miserable, empty and lost. It seemed to me that I was happier when I didn't have so many things. So I quit the post office.
I gave up everything, the home, car, purged most of the material things and within 6 months, I found myself sitting in my sisters basement.
Let me clarify, I was not on drugs, didn't drink, didn't hear a voice, I gave these things up willingly. Call it depression, call it crazy, whatever, it was the beginning of the rest of my life.
Okay, back to the basement, well let me tell you how I got there, after leaving my nice home, I moved to an apartment in the suburbs, but I didn't have a car, so I eventually moved into a duplex in the city. The landlord was awfully friendly, stopping by for no reason, in the evenings. Real interested in my personal life, it got to the point that he said he knew it was tough for a single mother and if I didn't have money to pay the rent, we could make some other arrangement. I politely thanked him and paid my rent early every month.
I had run into my long lost cousin, she now married with 6 kids. When we were young she used to take up for me when people picked on me. Well we were starting to get close and she just lived down the street, so she was over everyday.
Apparently my landlord did not appreciate her constant presence and he began to harass me, well she wasn't going to let that happen, so she confronted him, I don't exactly remember all the details but there was a lot of cussing, a knife, the police, and I didn't live there anymore.
Anyway, there was a vacant apartment conveniently next door to my S/hero cousin, so I moved in. Within a couple weeks oddly enough every time I left home, things would come up missing out of my apartment, it was as if things just grew legs or someone had a key and just walked in and took them. I forgot to mention she and her husband were addicted to crack.
I was telling my older sister, whose goal in life is to protect me, and immediately she came over with her Plymouth Horizon hatchback, starting packing up my stuff, and said You're out of here. The cousins came home and yet another confrontation ensued. No knives or police this time.
So there I sat, in my sisters basement, all my belongings in about 8 garbage bags, my daughter and i sharing a bed. Did I mention unfinished basement. Spiders, centipedes, water dripping, moldy smelling. In addition, she and her unemployed abusive husband, got high, drank and fought most nights just above my head.
WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE?
I was, in essence, homeless. I didn't even have a job.
I grew up in a lovely home, with a piano and a dog. I had always had my own place. I don't stay with people, they stay with me. and I have always had a job!
I have always hated loud music, arguing, people running in and out, and here I was right in the middle of my worst nightmare.
THAT WAS THE DAY - WELL, IT WAS ACTUALLY NIGHT TIME
I was sitting on the bed, and I closed my eyes and tried to pray, but I didn't know how to start. Wait a minute I was raised in the church, I know how to do this. I got down on my knees - nothing. Okay, just say The Lords Prayer.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth, Lead us not - No, that's wrong, Deliver us from - wait that's wrong, something is missing - something about trespassing.
OH MY GOD - I FORGOT THE LORDS PRAYER - I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRAY.
You don't know how serious this is. My mom made me say this prayer every night before bed. We said it at church, we were required to memorize it - it was the key to heaven. Things are really bad.
I'm broke, jobless, homeless, in a basement and I can't remember The Lords Prayer!
So I just began talking to God - on my knees.
Dear Heavenly Father, I don't even know what to say. I don't know where to start. The music is so loud, and it is so cold down here, that I am having trouble concentrating on You. All I can say is please forgive me, I am sorry, and I need you. My daughter needs you. My mother always said that if I take one step, You will take two. Well this is it, I give up, I quit, I have been trying to do everything by myself and I just can't do it anymore. I have failed everyone, my mom, my child, myself, and you. Please help me.
I continued to pour my heart out to God. My jaws were aching, my eyes were burning, my knees were hurting. I don't remember falling asleep.
I woke up to a bright light shining on my face, I was almost blinded by it. Then I realized, it was the Sun, shining through that one basement window. I was still on my knees, tired, worn, in pain. But the rays of the sun seemed to penetrate my entire body. They seemed to go to the core, to a place deep down inside me that had never been touched. I wish I could put it into words for you.
The night before had been the darkest of my life, and the next morning everything seemed new, full of possibilities, the house was quiet, the critters seemed to disappear, and I suddenly remembered a job a guy was telling me about.
If any this sounds familiar to you, if you are "feeling this", if you don't remember The Lords Prayer, or if you never knew it. If you are miserable, if you have it all, or if you have nothing, if there is darkness. Just take a moment and speak to God, no formal prayer, thees and thou's necessary, just try it, as if you were telling your best friend (who by the way can't do anything for you).
Tell God what you are feeling, its okay to tell him, that you don't even know what to say. He wants to hear from you.
Have you ever had a child break something in your home, and you ask what happened, knowing full well what happened? You want them to just tell you the truth, for once, admit it, and if they do admit it, and you know how quietly that's done, you may be angry, but you get that warm feeling inside, you feel a little closer, and proud, there may be hope for them yet.
God wants to hear the truth from you. In your own words, he knows you cuss, he knows you smoke, drink, get high, don't pay your bills, gamble, screw around, lie, steal, cheat. He knows you neglect your children, your parents, yourself. He knows you are selfish, your hair is done, your kids look like ragamuffins, you can't get away from that man or woman. You are an abuser. He already knows, he sees you everyday.
He is waiting, so that he can wrap his arms around you, like the warmth of the sun.
Just talk to him.
MAKE TODAY - THE DAY
Dear God, its me, Judy, again. I thank You for THAT DAY and this one. I thank You for keeping me and safe. I thank You for listening to me, even though I couldn't remember how to pray. You have brought me a long way, it hasn't always been easy, and there have been many times, that I thought I could do it without You, but You stuck with me and I appreciate it.
Now, I need You to wrap Your arms around the person reading this. Give them that warm feeling, that lets them know You are there. Make their ears warm, right now, as they read this so they know, they feel You. Give them a sign, that You know they read this. Give them confirmation, You know how You and only You do. Show them that You are still God of Heaven and Earth, and as You know about a sparrow, You know about them.
Use me, Today, Lord, to touch 1 person, to be the one to introduce or re-introduce You into their lives.
Judy
First steps
As I was driving to work, I was wondering what am I going to blog about, hence a new conversation with God.
Dear God, its me Judy, again. So, I guess You know I started a blog, or did You compel me to do so? You know that I try to make it my business to tell everybody I know how You work in my life, and I am excited about the opportunity to tell the world as well. How should we go about this? Should I start with the present and let folks follow me through my journey? Or should I take them back to THE DAY? Silly question, huh? Made you smile didn't I? Okay, I'm gonna need Your help, because You have done so many fantastic things in my life, I want to make sure that I get it right. I want people to know, I mean really know, that You are still in the miracle business. Thank you for blessing me and as always, Your will be done.
Okay, I'll start with a quick overview of my life's journey, and I'll save some details for later slow newsday posts.
THE DAY - Next Post
Here's a quick overview:
Born in the early 60's, had two parents, they seemed older than other peoples parents, he was 59, she was 60 - See post "THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOU MOMMA FOOL!" - coming later.
Grew up in the Refuge Baptist Church, Columbus, OH - See post - EVERYDAY AND TWICE ON SUNDAY. - coming soon.
Went to MLK's funeral - See post "MOMMY WHY YOU CRYING?" - coming later
Dad died when I was 7 - See post "DADDY, DO YOU LIKE MY COSTUME?
High at 13 - See post - OH GOD, IF YOU BRING ME DOWN OFF THIS HIGH!
Pregnant at 17 - See post - I DON'T NEED NOBODY TO HELP ME RAISE THIS BABY!
Walking away from God - See post - IF I NEVER SET FOOT IN CHURCH AGAIN!
Out of the mouths of babys - MOMMY WHY DON'T WE GO TO CHURCH?
That's where we'll start. I'll blog about the past, present and future. We'll laugh, cry and hopefully, you will keep an open mind and heart.
God is waiting to hear from you - He told me to tell you to call Him.
Judy
Dear God, its me Judy, again. So, I guess You know I started a blog, or did You compel me to do so? You know that I try to make it my business to tell everybody I know how You work in my life, and I am excited about the opportunity to tell the world as well. How should we go about this? Should I start with the present and let folks follow me through my journey? Or should I take them back to THE DAY? Silly question, huh? Made you smile didn't I? Okay, I'm gonna need Your help, because You have done so many fantastic things in my life, I want to make sure that I get it right. I want people to know, I mean really know, that You are still in the miracle business. Thank you for blessing me and as always, Your will be done.
Okay, I'll start with a quick overview of my life's journey, and I'll save some details for later slow newsday posts.
THE DAY - Next Post
Here's a quick overview:
Born in the early 60's, had two parents, they seemed older than other peoples parents, he was 59, she was 60 - See post "THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOU MOMMA FOOL!" - coming later.
Grew up in the Refuge Baptist Church, Columbus, OH - See post - EVERYDAY AND TWICE ON SUNDAY. - coming soon.
Went to MLK's funeral - See post "MOMMY WHY YOU CRYING?" - coming later
Dad died when I was 7 - See post "DADDY, DO YOU LIKE MY COSTUME?
High at 13 - See post - OH GOD, IF YOU BRING ME DOWN OFF THIS HIGH!
Pregnant at 17 - See post - I DON'T NEED NOBODY TO HELP ME RAISE THIS BABY!
Walking away from God - See post - IF I NEVER SET FOOT IN CHURCH AGAIN!
Out of the mouths of babys - MOMMY WHY DON'T WE GO TO CHURCH?
That's where we'll start. I'll blog about the past, present and future. We'll laugh, cry and hopefully, you will keep an open mind and heart.
God is waiting to hear from you - He told me to tell you to call Him.
Judy
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
In the beginning...What is this blog about?
My relationship with God - hopefully it inspires somebody, somewhere, somehow.
So lets get started.
I am a single Christian (am I supposed to capitalize Christian?) woman, who is building a relationship with God day-by-day. I have daily conversations with God although I wonder how much He can really hear, because he is laughing so hard. Or when I say or do something really ridiculous, does he look over at the Saints and ask incredulously - "Look at this silly girl - do you believe that she is really that selfish?"
When I tell people that I talk to God - they just look at me like I'm crazy, they ask the typical does He talk back? Do you hear voices? Do you think that God has time to listen to your silly little dribble? and so forth.
So let me just address a few of those, so we can get on with our journey.
Yes, God talks back. He speaks to my spirit, he confirms things through other people, and yes sometimes I hear him deep inside my subconscience. Now before you start rolling your eyes and thinking I'm crazy. Have you ever been in a situation and your thinking, I ought to hit this %#$(!) in her eye! Then it seems like you hear a voice in your head that says - "just let it go, its not worth it". Then you find yourself arguing with yourself, can't nobody treat me this way, who does she think she is? And the offender miraculously walks way both eyes intact? Or have you started to do one thing and then its like Something told you to drive a different way, or stop at this store then you find out there was an accident or some other event that you are glad you missed?
Well thats what I mean by God talks back. So let me give you a true story that happened to me. There will be lots of these!
I wanted to start a tour business called All Around Columbus Tours. (remember that name) I wanted to buy a bus and get started. One night while messing around on the web, I was compelled (I wont say heard a voice although I heard a voice) that said google buses for sale. Now let me clarify - at that moment I wasn't thinking about buses - I was probably playing online poker or bejeweled or shopping at least. So I googled buses for sale in my area. Up came a used bus at a dealership, about 50 miles away. It looked okay and was listed for $5,000. Let me stop right here and say - I did not have $5000, and my credit is shot - I mean I was in bankruptcy at the time. So I decided to drive 50 miles to go see the bus. I wasn't even sure my car would make the 100 mile round trip.
About 25 miles into my drive - I thought, What the heck am I doing, I don't have any money, so I started talking to God (praying). I said,
Dear God, its me Judy again. First of all, I thank you for blessing me everyday, thank You for Your guidance - even when I don't take it. I just need to ask a couple questions, am I tripping or did You tell me to google this bus? Did You mean for me to call the guy, or drive out there? I know I should have faith, but I have a little doubt, I know it sounds corny but God can You just give me a little sign that it was You who showed me this bus?
When I got to the dealership, the salesman took one look at me and said "Young Lady, what are you going to do with a bus?" I said, "I'm going to do tours." He then said "Where, all around Columbus?" (I told you to remember, but I put it in bold just to get your attention)
Now I took that as a confirmation from God, but the story goes on.
The bus cost $5,000 and it was not running. So I left and I talked to God on the way home.
Dear God, its me Judy Again, thank You for getting me there safely and please let me make it home. Now let me get this straight. You suggested that I drive 100 miles, to see a $5,000 bus even though I don't have $5,000, that is not running? I thought it was a sign from You when the salesman said All around Columbus, You know, confirming our earler conversation. I'm just a little confused soooo, let me just say thanks again, may Your will be done, and thanks for a beautiful drive. (I had the top down on my 10 year old convertible).
So, I returned home, started pricing buses and discovered that its going take a while before I would be able to buy a bus, I need to get out of bankruptcy, save some money, and then just maybe in a couple years I might be able to find a decent bus for $10,000.
About a month later, on a Thursday night, I was messing around online, this time I was compelled to look on Ebay. I rolled my eyes, and searched for buses within 100 miles. You guessed it, there was that bus! The bids had started at $500, it was now up to $800 and it was closing in 36 hours. Soooo, just for fun, I bid on it, placed a max bid at $2,500.07 - I DID NOT HAVE ANY MONEY AT THE TIME.
My tax refund hit my bank account on Saturday morning, and the bid closed around noon. I won the bid, and now I had the money to buy the bus. When I went to pay for it, it was running and I drove it the 50 miles home.
I named the bus Melvin, after a dear bus driver friend of mine, who passed away a couple years ago. The story doesn't end here, there are more Adventures of Melvin which I will share with you, which includes a dog fighting ring and Melvins 6 month disappearance so stay tuned.
Now here's the thing, the first thing I did was call my friends, told them about it, even told them that God gave it to me. In the middle of my third phone call I realized that I hadn't called God to thank Him. So I quickly ended the conversation and got back on track.
Dear God, its me Judy, again. First of all, let me apologize for doubting You, but Thank You for blessing me anyway. Only You could take a bus that was not running and $5,000 have it fixed and give it to me for $2,500. Only You could make my take refund check come just in time. I give You the Glory, and I pray that You will use me and my bus to Glorify You, let this blessing be one that I can use to tell others about Your mercy and power.
Okay - Let me clarify, these are just excerpts of my conversations with God. I pray for other people, too.
What I want to share with you is right now in 2009, God is real, alive and still in charge. He hears your prayers, you don't have to be standing in a church, you don't even have to be a member, all you have to do is believe, and I do mean mustard seed faith.
On this blog, I will share with you amazing stories of God's presence in my life. You can call it coincidence, luck, fate, whatever.
All I know is that if there was a Bible being written today - I could have my own book in it.
Check back frequently - I will post old and new stories, and please feel free to comment and add your own.
Judy
So lets get started.
I am a single Christian (am I supposed to capitalize Christian?) woman, who is building a relationship with God day-by-day. I have daily conversations with God although I wonder how much He can really hear, because he is laughing so hard. Or when I say or do something really ridiculous, does he look over at the Saints and ask incredulously - "Look at this silly girl - do you believe that she is really that selfish?"
When I tell people that I talk to God - they just look at me like I'm crazy, they ask the typical does He talk back? Do you hear voices? Do you think that God has time to listen to your silly little dribble? and so forth.
So let me just address a few of those, so we can get on with our journey.
Yes, God talks back. He speaks to my spirit, he confirms things through other people, and yes sometimes I hear him deep inside my subconscience. Now before you start rolling your eyes and thinking I'm crazy. Have you ever been in a situation and your thinking, I ought to hit this %#$(!) in her eye! Then it seems like you hear a voice in your head that says - "just let it go, its not worth it". Then you find yourself arguing with yourself, can't nobody treat me this way, who does she think she is? And the offender miraculously walks way both eyes intact? Or have you started to do one thing and then its like Something told you to drive a different way, or stop at this store then you find out there was an accident or some other event that you are glad you missed?
Well thats what I mean by God talks back. So let me give you a true story that happened to me. There will be lots of these!
I wanted to start a tour business called All Around Columbus Tours. (remember that name) I wanted to buy a bus and get started. One night while messing around on the web, I was compelled (I wont say heard a voice although I heard a voice) that said google buses for sale. Now let me clarify - at that moment I wasn't thinking about buses - I was probably playing online poker or bejeweled or shopping at least. So I googled buses for sale in my area. Up came a used bus at a dealership, about 50 miles away. It looked okay and was listed for $5,000. Let me stop right here and say - I did not have $5000, and my credit is shot - I mean I was in bankruptcy at the time. So I decided to drive 50 miles to go see the bus. I wasn't even sure my car would make the 100 mile round trip.
About 25 miles into my drive - I thought, What the heck am I doing, I don't have any money, so I started talking to God (praying). I said,
Dear God, its me Judy again. First of all, I thank you for blessing me everyday, thank You for Your guidance - even when I don't take it. I just need to ask a couple questions, am I tripping or did You tell me to google this bus? Did You mean for me to call the guy, or drive out there? I know I should have faith, but I have a little doubt, I know it sounds corny but God can You just give me a little sign that it was You who showed me this bus?
When I got to the dealership, the salesman took one look at me and said "Young Lady, what are you going to do with a bus?" I said, "I'm going to do tours." He then said "Where, all around Columbus?" (I told you to remember, but I put it in bold just to get your attention)
Now I took that as a confirmation from God, but the story goes on.
The bus cost $5,000 and it was not running. So I left and I talked to God on the way home.
Dear God, its me Judy Again, thank You for getting me there safely and please let me make it home. Now let me get this straight. You suggested that I drive 100 miles, to see a $5,000 bus even though I don't have $5,000, that is not running? I thought it was a sign from You when the salesman said All around Columbus, You know, confirming our earler conversation. I'm just a little confused soooo, let me just say thanks again, may Your will be done, and thanks for a beautiful drive. (I had the top down on my 10 year old convertible).
So, I returned home, started pricing buses and discovered that its going take a while before I would be able to buy a bus, I need to get out of bankruptcy, save some money, and then just maybe in a couple years I might be able to find a decent bus for $10,000.
About a month later, on a Thursday night, I was messing around online, this time I was compelled to look on Ebay. I rolled my eyes, and searched for buses within 100 miles. You guessed it, there was that bus! The bids had started at $500, it was now up to $800 and it was closing in 36 hours. Soooo, just for fun, I bid on it, placed a max bid at $2,500.07 - I DID NOT HAVE ANY MONEY AT THE TIME.
My tax refund hit my bank account on Saturday morning, and the bid closed around noon. I won the bid, and now I had the money to buy the bus. When I went to pay for it, it was running and I drove it the 50 miles home.
I named the bus Melvin, after a dear bus driver friend of mine, who passed away a couple years ago. The story doesn't end here, there are more Adventures of Melvin which I will share with you, which includes a dog fighting ring and Melvins 6 month disappearance so stay tuned.
Now here's the thing, the first thing I did was call my friends, told them about it, even told them that God gave it to me. In the middle of my third phone call I realized that I hadn't called God to thank Him. So I quickly ended the conversation and got back on track.
Dear God, its me Judy, again. First of all, let me apologize for doubting You, but Thank You for blessing me anyway. Only You could take a bus that was not running and $5,000 have it fixed and give it to me for $2,500. Only You could make my take refund check come just in time. I give You the Glory, and I pray that You will use me and my bus to Glorify You, let this blessing be one that I can use to tell others about Your mercy and power.
Okay - Let me clarify, these are just excerpts of my conversations with God. I pray for other people, too.
What I want to share with you is right now in 2009, God is real, alive and still in charge. He hears your prayers, you don't have to be standing in a church, you don't even have to be a member, all you have to do is believe, and I do mean mustard seed faith.
On this blog, I will share with you amazing stories of God's presence in my life. You can call it coincidence, luck, fate, whatever.
All I know is that if there was a Bible being written today - I could have my own book in it.
Check back frequently - I will post old and new stories, and please feel free to comment and add your own.
Judy
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