THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOUR MOMMA FOOL!

"Why yo mama so old?" "Hi Baby, hows your grandmother?" These are the questions that just totally got on my nerves by the time I was 7 years old.

In the 1960's my earliest memories are of me and my dad, playing soldier, marching around our house, "Hup two-three-four" and trips with my mom to the hair dresser, Mrs Clara on E. Long Street.

I had older 3 sisters, Peaches, who lived in Cleveland, Ella, who stayed with us off an on, and Betty Ann, she lived on the same side of town.

My parents never owned a car, we either took the bus or called Yellow cab. They owned their home, had a garden, had Christmas dinners. We had a china cabinet filled with white china trimmed with blue flowers. My dad worked at the steel mill and my mom stayed home.

My mom took me to church and my dad stayed home. My sisters visited frequently, my favorite was Betty Ann, because she was pretty, and she paid me the most attention. She loved to party, alway had on short skirts, high heels and red lipstick. Peaches was mean and Ella was a drunk.

Funny, none of them referred to Mom as Mom, they all called her by her first name. That was normal to me, I thought I would too when I grew up.

Anyway, all my life I was plagued with the questions. My childhood friends would ask why is your mama so old? I gave the usual response "She had me late, I'm the baby, why is your mama so ugly? Or the ladies at church would ask "Baby where is your grandmother?" My response, "She is my mother and she's downstairs" I was immediately warned about sassing grown folk.

Well one day, when I was 10 years old I was visiting my aunt who I knew as Aunt Baby Sister. She was the meanest of them all. She had "The Sugar" and which took her sight and both legs. My Cousin and I were laying on the floor coloring, and Aunt Baby Sister was sitting there in her wheelchair. My cousin said, "I wish we were sisters and your mom was my mom". She was living with our aunt and uncle because her mom (a different Betty than my sister) had died. I said, "Me too, but I hate it when people call her my grandmother, she's my mother"

That's when Aunt Baby Sister announced..."THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOUR MOMMA FOOL!"

I jerked around to see who she was talking to. Apparently it was me! "Ma'am?" She repeated it,
THAT AINT NAN NONE OF YOUR MOMMA, BETTY IS YO MOMMA!

The room began to spin, what was she saying? I tried to look deep into her blind eyes, she had this funny little smile on her face.

"If Betty is my mother, than me and Jessica (Cousin) are sisters?

Again she opened her mouth but this time her words were like a tornado that brought everying inside me crashing down. "NO FOOL, YOUR SO CALLED SISTER, BETTY ANN IS YOUR MOMMA" she said and laughed.

Now I am sure this is just my imagination, but that laugh sounded just like the Wicked Witch from the movie the Wizard of Oz.

I could hardly breathe, what was she saying? My sister Betty is my mother? I laid awake all night trying to put that thing together. My 10 year old mind could not even begin to grasp the meaning of this.

Before I go on, let me tell you this, my dad had died 3 years earlier, so it was just me and my mom. My mom had since dedicated her life to serving God, and for all practical purposes mine too. She was 70 years old raising a 10 year old. She was a woman of few words, and didn't have time for foolishness. Her motto was a child was to stay in a childs place. No adult had to explain nothing to a child. Don't question her. And I had never, ever heard her curse.

Okay, so when I got home, we were sitting at the kitchen table, I brought up the previous days disclosure... "Momma, Aunt Baby Sister said, you are not my mother, Betty is." She was quiet for a few seconds, then she said "Ida (Aunt Baby Sister) needs to keep her DAMN mouth shut" then she walked away.

OH MY GOD - MY MOTHER JUST SAID A CUSS WORD!

This was even more serious than I could even imagine. What was coming next? I thought I was going to get a whooping for sure. What had I done? Aunt Baby Sister is going to kill me! Oh no Momma might kill Aunt Baby Sister. There was no more conversation that night.

The next day, Momma said "Come here I want to show you something." She handed me a piece of paper, it was my birth certificate. It named her as my mother and my dad as my dad. This paper say you have a momma and a daddy and you ain't no bastard.

A few days later, she opened up a little more. "Betty Ann did birth you, but just cause a woman birth a baby, that don't make her no parent." As I was trying to process , my sister Betty Ann, had a baby, which was me. My momma kept speaking "After she had you Betty Ann got sick, and had to go into the hospital, me and your dad, took over your raisin'. You was adopted I show'd you the paper, that say we your momma and daddy, and that is that. Now go get ready to say your prayers and go to bed.

Nothing else was ever said. Period.

I continued to consider Betty Ann my sister, though she wasn't even their daughter, she was their niece and went on with my life. I experienced difficulties and trust issues, because at a very crucial time of my life, my world was turned upside down. My dad who wasn't my real dad had died, my mother wasn't my mother and my sister was my mother. Nothing was as it seemed. Nobody was who they said they were, and everybody knew it except me.

At age 18, I withdrew from the entire family entirely - Selfishly - my daughter never met any of the uncles, aunts, cousins that I grew up with. I didn't want them to hurt her like they hurt me. she never went family dinners, or had cousins, no funerals, nothing, it was jsut me andher agianst the world. SELFISH.

A few years ago, I reconciled with Betty Ann and my sister. so many lost years, but we made the best of it.

Betty and I finally talked. She told me about being a single mother in the 60's, how she drank and partied, left me with her friends. How she was not prepared to be a Mother. I told her that I didn't find out she was my mother until I was 10. She said she thought I knew and was mad at her all those years for giving me up, I told her I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the world for lying to me, for taking my daddy away, for all the unfair things life throws at you.

Betty was always a part of my life. When I got into trouble, she was there with my mother. When I ran away from home, she was there with my mother, and when I had my baby, she was there with my mother. She never attempted to take my mothers place, but she never let me down.

She settled down and was a wonderful great-grandmother, baking, cooking, picking apples, and tossing empty threats at the grandchildren. She passed Nov 2008, but thank God my Grandchildren have wonderful memories of Grandma Betty. They even recited poems at her funeral. I wish I had given my daughter the family, that I was able to give her children. Perhaps if I had, she wouldn't have tried to fill that void with her own babies.

Again, I saw God's hand. He did not allow us to reconcile until AFTER I BECAME A GRANDMOTHER. Until I had walked in Momma and Bettys shoes. Until I saw my grandchildren, drug around like objects, left with friends and acquaintances. Until I saw my daughter drunk or high and the kids left to fend for themselves. I understand the pain and joy of both women, and I was blessed to have 2 wonderful women who loved me so much.

God saved me from a life that I can't begin to imagine, might have been good, might not. Only God knows. But he placed me in that wicker basket and sent me down the river to live in the palace with the queen. God had a plan for my life, and he needed Betty Ann to bring me into this world and my Momma to bring me to the Altar.

Dear God, its me Judy, again.
I thank you for giving me a wonderful life and 2 fantastic women to shape and mold me. I thank you for slowly pulling back the curtains of insight and wisdom so that I could see the good and not the bad. I thank you for your forgiveness as well as both my mothers. I ask your forgiveness for denying my daughter the family she always desired. I thank you for giving me a second chance with my mother, my sister, and now my nieces and nephew. I thank you for what you have done with my life and what you plan to do. Give my sister and I the strength to raise these 8 children, as a family, loved, & supported. Lord I ask you to cover all of us with your blood, and keep us safe from harm. Lord, you know this has been a struggle for me, but please let my struggle serve as a model for someone else who is going through the same thing. Open their hearts and minds so that they can receive strength from you. If there is someone reading this right now, who has turned their back on their family, who feels alone and that nobody cares, who feels like they don't need family, who has not spoken to their children or parents, please make a way for them to reconnect. Let their phone ring, a chance meeting in the grocery store, don't let it be too late, to see an obituary, or at a funeral. Give them another chance to make things right, like you did for me. Whisper to them or knock them in the head, Lord whatever it takes. For those who don't have relationship with their families, step in and show them that a relationship with you can rebuild all broken bridges. Thank you so much for rebuilding my bridges and fixing my broken heart. May your will be done in my life and all who are blessed by this message. Amen

Knocking on Betty Anns door after more than 10 years of no communication was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Would she slam the door? Would she say, Why are you coming around now? Was she even still alive?

I stepped out on faith and was well rewarded. I took one step and God took two. One knock has made a significant difference in at least 15 peoples lives. One knock. Oh don't get me wrong, I drove down that street for months, making up all kinds of stories in my head. Of course satan caught rides with me, and convinced me many times that I needed to let them be. They are better off without me. The devil is a liar, and a thief and jumps at the opportunity to stop you from succeeding or take away something that might possibly bring you joy. He will.

Today is the day, don't send a message through somebody else, you need to reach out. Not ready to call? Thats okay, send an email, text message or letter. Send a card, or write a letter leave a voicemail when you know their not there. You take the first step and ask God to take the next step. You must be sincere.

What should you say?

Hi, I was thinking about you, I hope this note finds you well, I know its been a long time since we've spoken and we probably ended on a bad note. I'm sorry and hope you will forgive me. I realize how important you are to my life and would love a chance to just see you. I don't need money, I just need to make things right between us. Here's how I can be reached but if I don't hear from you I'll call or stop by.

Nobody to call or just can't bring yourself to do it. Tell God what you want, why its hard and ask him to work it out. He will.

I promise.

Judy