THE DAY - IT WAS ACTUALLY NIGHT TIME

People always say, "I remember THE DAY, just like it was yesterday" Well I remember the day, not the date, not even the month except that it was cool, don't really remember the year, just the day. The day that I actually called out to God - I QUIT!- I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!

Just a few months earlier I had quit my job at the post office, yes I quit the US Postal Service, I know, if you didn't think I was crazy before you think so now. After working nights/weekends/holidays for 6 years, being treated like crap. I made lots of money, but I spent it like crazy, trying to buy happiness.

I was always tired, I alienated what little of my family I had, my daughter was practically living with the babysitter, and I was gambling like crazy. I was sleeping with a married man. I had money but I was miserable. I had a nice place, new car, fine clothes, I was a union official for OH, IN & KY, so I traveled, stayed in nice hotels.

I was cute, well built, beautiful smile, intelligent & admired by most.

On the outside, I had it going on. On the inside, I was miserable, empty and lost. It seemed to me that I was happier when I didn't have so many things. So I quit the post office.

I gave up everything, the home, car, purged most of the material things and within 6 months, I found myself sitting in my sisters basement.

Let me clarify, I was not on drugs, didn't drink, didn't hear a voice, I gave these things up willingly. Call it depression, call it crazy, whatever, it was the beginning of the rest of my life.

Okay, back to the basement, well let me tell you how I got there, after leaving my nice home, I moved to an apartment in the suburbs, but I didn't have a car, so I eventually moved into a duplex in the city. The landlord was awfully friendly, stopping by for no reason, in the evenings. Real interested in my personal life, it got to the point that he said he knew it was tough for a single mother and if I didn't have money to pay the rent, we could make some other arrangement. I politely thanked him and paid my rent early every month.

I had run into my long lost cousin, she now married with 6 kids. When we were young she used to take up for me when people picked on me. Well we were starting to get close and she just lived down the street, so she was over everyday.

Apparently my landlord did not appreciate her constant presence and he began to harass me, well she wasn't going to let that happen, so she confronted him, I don't exactly remember all the details but there was a lot of cussing, a knife, the police, and I didn't live there anymore.

Anyway, there was a vacant apartment conveniently next door to my S/hero cousin, so I moved in. Within a couple weeks oddly enough every time I left home, things would come up missing out of my apartment, it was as if things just grew legs or someone had a key and just walked in and took them. I forgot to mention she and her husband were addicted to crack.

I was telling my older sister, whose goal in life is to protect me, and immediately she came over with her Plymouth Horizon hatchback, starting packing up my stuff, and said You're out of here. The cousins came home and yet another confrontation ensued. No knives or police this time.

So there I sat, in my sisters basement, all my belongings in about 8 garbage bags, my daughter and i sharing a bed. Did I mention unfinished basement. Spiders, centipedes, water dripping, moldy smelling. In addition, she and her unemployed abusive husband, got high, drank and fought most nights just above my head.

WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE?

I was, in essence, homeless. I didn't even have a job.

I grew up in a lovely home, with a piano and a dog. I had always had my own place. I don't stay with people, they stay with me. and I have always had a job!

I have always hated loud music, arguing, people running in and out, and here I was right in the middle of my worst nightmare.

THAT WAS THE DAY - WELL, IT WAS ACTUALLY NIGHT TIME

I was sitting on the bed, and I closed my eyes and tried to pray, but I didn't know how to start. Wait a minute I was raised in the church, I know how to do this. I got down on my knees - nothing. Okay, just say The Lords Prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth, Lead us not - No, that's wrong, Deliver us from - wait that's wrong, something is missing - something about trespassing.

OH MY GOD - I FORGOT THE LORDS PRAYER - I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRAY.

You don't know how serious this is. My mom made me say this prayer every night before bed. We said it at church, we were required to memorize it - it was the key to heaven. Things are really bad.

I'm broke, jobless, homeless, in a basement and I can't remember The Lords Prayer!

So I just began talking to God - on my knees.

Dear Heavenly Father, I don't even know what to say. I don't know where to start. The music is so loud, and it is so cold down here, that I am having trouble concentrating on You. All I can say is please forgive me, I am sorry, and I need you. My daughter needs you. My mother always said that if I take one step, You will take two. Well this is it, I give up, I quit, I have been trying to do everything by myself and I just can't do it anymore. I have failed everyone, my mom, my child, myself, and you. Please help me.

I continued to pour my heart out to God. My jaws were aching, my eyes were burning, my knees were hurting. I don't remember falling asleep.

I woke up to a bright light shining on my face, I was almost blinded by it. Then I realized, it was the Sun, shining through that one basement window. I was still on my knees, tired, worn, in pain. But the rays of the sun seemed to penetrate my entire body. They seemed to go to the core, to a place deep down inside me that had never been touched. I wish I could put it into words for you.

The night before had been the darkest of my life, and the next morning everything seemed new, full of possibilities, the house was quiet, the critters seemed to disappear, and I suddenly remembered a job a guy was telling me about.

If any this sounds familiar to you, if you are "feeling this", if you don't remember The Lords Prayer, or if you never knew it. If you are miserable, if you have it all, or if you have nothing, if there is darkness. Just take a moment and speak to God, no formal prayer, thees and thou's necessary, just try it, as if you were telling your best friend (who by the way can't do anything for you).

Tell God what you are feeling, its okay to tell him, that you don't even know what to say. He wants to hear from you.

Have you ever had a child break something in your home, and you ask what happened, knowing full well what happened? You want them to just tell you the truth, for once, admit it, and if they do admit it, and you know how quietly that's done, you may be angry, but you get that warm feeling inside, you feel a little closer, and proud, there may be hope for them yet.

God wants to hear the truth from you. In your own words, he knows you cuss, he knows you smoke, drink, get high, don't pay your bills, gamble, screw around, lie, steal, cheat. He knows you neglect your children, your parents, yourself. He knows you are selfish, your hair is done, your kids look like ragamuffins, you can't get away from that man or woman. You are an abuser. He already knows, he sees you everyday.

He is waiting, so that he can wrap his arms around you, like the warmth of the sun.

Just talk to him.

MAKE TODAY - THE DAY


Dear God, its me, Judy, again. I thank You for THAT DAY and this one. I thank You for keeping me and safe. I thank You for listening to me, even though I couldn't remember how to pray. You have brought me a long way, it hasn't always been easy, and there have been many times, that I thought I could do it without You, but You stuck with me and I appreciate it.

Now, I need You to wrap Your arms around the person reading this. Give them that warm feeling, that lets them know You are there. Make their ears warm, right now, as they read this so they know, they feel You. Give them a sign, that You know they read this. Give them confirmation, You know how You and only You do. Show them that You are still God of Heaven and Earth, and as You know about a sparrow, You know about them.

Use me, Today, Lord, to touch 1 person, to be the one to introduce or re-introduce You into their lives.



Judy